In an unprecedented move, I have decided that the only way to truly protect my personal brand is to trademark, copyright, and patent my own name. Pursuant to that mission, I have been awarded the Patent on the naming process for babies, and have copyrighted and trademarked my name to prevent further brand dilution.

Agreeing with our proposal the Patent and Trademark Office (USPTO) has today issues patent number 71337499666 for the process to name babies in the United States to Techwag. Under that patent we were also able to trade mark the name Dan Morrill, and will diligently pursue all people named Dan Morrill world wide under this trademark.

That also includes all diminutives of that name, such as Danielle, Dan, Danny, Daniel, and so forth. Unfortunately the Trademark office would not let me also trademark other language variations of the name such as Daryush, but I hear that the Persian Patent Office is really cool and might let me trademark the name if it was not the name of a Persian Hero, and previously used to market products before.

This means that the Tribe of Dan will stop having to use the name “Dan” in any official documents, including the old testament.

This means all people across all time can not use the name Dan, I have paperwork on this one.

Remember though that this is good for my lifetime + 75 years, but we will be reasonable, and request that all people named dan, danny, daniel, dan morrill, or variations on the brand send us a check for 10,000 dollars as a lifetime license fee to use the name.

All new babies born after April 01, 2009 will have to pay a 20,000 dollar lifetime license fee or not name their baby Dan or any diminutive of Dan. Remember this is good for the lifetime of the baby, and if babies live to be 100 years old, this is a reasonable 200 dollars a year, you spend more on coffee at starbucks.

For babies not named Dan, under the patent agreement, a simple 1000 dollar lifetime fee to name your baby should be remitted to Techwag as soon as possible. With modern computer systems we can track down every person who had a baby in the USA, so don’t let your babies first few years of life be marred by collection agents. Please send your payments to

Techwag
666 I FooledU Street
Anytown USA 555111

Happy April Fools.

The reason for this is that the USPTO allowed for someone to patent the swing, we deal in a world of patent and copyright trolls, and something like this could happen if we are not careful with what we are doing with patents.

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